Thursday, May 2, 2013

Alter Ego.

Well, I've certainly let this puppy go, haven't I?

 I don't really have a good reason. I didn't decide to take a break. There was no crisis. I just haven't had anything much to say recently. Let me rephrase that...I haven't had anything much to say recently that can go on this blog.

Oh, believe me, I've had plenty to say, and I've said it...but not here. This blog is not me. It's not my voice. You can't see my face, only those ridiculous Groucho glasses. You don't know my story, only the vague descriptors there in the sidebar. My words and my stories are shrouded in mystery.

If all you knew about me was this blog, you'd think my life was dominated by my sexual orientation...that it's all I ever think about. I wouldn't blame you. It's all I ever write about--on this blog, at least.

I wish I could show you that's not true. I wish I could tell you about the things I'm passionate about, the things I most enjoy. I wish I could tell you why it's been such an emotional week, and why that has nothing to do with my same-sex attraction. 

This blog is just an alter-ego. It's a cloudy reflection of a small piece of who I am. It's an excursion into a world completely foreign to the real me and the real me's friends. With the swipe of a finger across my phone, I effortlessly switch between twitter accounts...between @themaskblog1 and the real me's twitter...between two completely different worlds. In neither world am I completely myself, but far less so here.

It's almost like I've created a horcrux (pardon the Potter). I've split my soul in two and stored part of it in this blog so I don't have to deal with it in my normal life. Split in two, the two sides grow separately. There's a lack of integration or cohesion. It's easy enough to switch back and forth between online accounts, but instead of taking off one mask, I've just created another.

Am I being a little overdramatic? Apologies.

So what does this all mean? Am I going to stop blogging just a couple months after starting?  I don't think so. I have appreciated this outlet, and I have been encouraged to hear from some of you who have found some of my writing helpful. I don't think stopping altogether is the answer, at least not yet, but I might slow down. I'm not going to wrack my brain to come up with something to write on a regular basis. When I have something to say, I will say it.

I intend to stay grounded in my real life...with my real real community. This blog is a helpful way to engage a conversation that's very important to me, but it won't define me or consume me.

I think I got a little carried away at first, and I burned out just a little bit. But I will keep writing, and I will post when there is something to post about. If you find my words helpful, I am grateful that God sees fit to use them. If you think someone else would find them helpful, please feel free to share. I welcome your comments and feedback, especially any questions or ideas for future writing.

I apologize for this meta-post. Blogging about blogging is kind of lame, but I wanted to explain my recent absence, express my frustrations, and clarify my future goals for this blog.

I'm still here. Humbled but hopeful...

Your Brother Behind the Mask

1 comment:

  1. Perfectly normal to have a sensitive subject flow through the outlet where it's allowed. Also normal is a bursting at first, followed by a flow of less strength to follow. Convergence of the "two lives" happens perhaps at some future date, perhaps not at all, or most likely only partway. Glad you're still around!